Dating in the gay community bad

It seems everyone where I live in New York has an entertaining gay officemate and water-cooler conversations revolving around dating, where the OGC routinely delivers the wittiest bits of interpersonal disaster. My well-meaning friends invariably get into set-up mode: The problem is people relate on a superficial level at work.

You know your gay colleague is lonely; he just doesn't tell you that he is lonely because he has seasonal affective disorder, or a Madame Alexander doll collection. So, why do my otherwise thorough friends not ask more thorough background questions?

Because, by heterosexual logic, just being gay is enough. See Magnum P.

‘No one is going to love you’

Where does this ungrateful bastard get off? This affects my dating life because the person I date may or may not understand my gay-culture separatism, and may or may not be a part of that culture themselves. If you own a television or surf online, you know the culture I speak of. I reject the far-side of that rope. The gay culture I renounce is fueled by commercialism.

For example, the other day, I walked past a store in Hell's Kitchen that had a huge awning that read in big lettering: I understand people are just doing what works, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with a little advertising. But that particular TV show troubles me. Even more problematic, the show is organized around the fact that a person's sexuality dictates their ability to be fashionable. I don't buy into this, literally or figuratively. It's not that I don't love fashion and style. I just want to love it on my own terms. And I need to know that my friend's OGF is a similar Gay Separatist, otherwise the date might as well be between a bulldozer and someone chained to the blade.

No matter the theme, the result is the same: Because we held back from being authentically ourselves for most of our adolescence and the beginning of our adult lives, we get a chance to do it all over when we come out. The cherry on top of all of this, is that this usually happens in a big city, or at least some place bigger than the hometown we grew up in, where excess is welcomed. The question is, when is enough enough?


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Gay men are beyond picky, and we feel like we can be because with social media the pool of possibilities feels endless. We are men with egos, and we strive to be the best at everything we do because it was something we learned as closeted children.

Gay Men Answer Dating, Relationship, and Marriage Questions

However, this tends to lead to us having crazy expectations for ourselves, and therefore our mates as well. Everyone is supposed to look like a model, have an Adonis body, be super successful, like everything we like, and fit the molds we've created that no one can ever actually live up to. Dreamboat is ready. His ego is hurt. Add to the fact that gays often date with the seasons, and half the year is either thought of as warm single, and often slutty season, or as a cold cuddling more relationship based time of the year.

We forget that we are still animals, and like our furry friends, our bodies change with the tides and seasons in a very natural way. However, gay men are quick to use the seasons as an excuse to why we are "allowed" to behave in certain ways. We aren't definitely going to have kids, which is why most heterosexual people start to couple up and settle down.

And even today straight couples are waiting longer and longer to have children. However, even when we do couple up, the way in which we operate as couples is quite different than straight couples. Add to the fact that a lot of our friends are single, and it becomes almost more normal to be single in the gay world than in a healthy relationship. We even joke that gay years are like dog years for relationships.

And for better or worse, the second something starts to go sour, we have reminders that there are men everywhere. Our social circles are full of these perpetual bachelors, who appear to enjoy their singledom, and constantly question why we are looking to settle down.

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We all have a friend or two, who claims to love being single, but through candid conversations it become apparent he isn't addressing his deeper wounds from past loves and life. These single gay friends come with their own baggage, and will often project that we too need to sow our wild oats. Getting married wasn't an option for our community until very recently, so commitment from a legal standpoint was actually far from a lot of our minds. This in some subconscious way made us less serious when it came to dating.

It's easier to just keep reverting back to all the other points that making dating hard than it is to try and work on something with someone we thought we really liked. Dating is hard, being in a couple is hard, but it shouldn't be this hard, right? We let our minds drift, we make assumptions, and half the time we aren't even communicating how we are feeling with our partners.

Yes, not all of us are jealous, or at least to an unhealthy point, but going back to issues of shame and insecurity that stem from our youth, we often have a hard time trusting that we are good enough. From this destructive flaw we then end up projecting our neuroses onto our partners, and find ourselves jealous for no reason. Even if we are lucky enough to find someone special and start dating, jealousy can creep within the relationship. Mix in a lack of communication, which as men we are more likely to be bad at, and it's a recipe for disaster.


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  • Work can be stressful, keeping up with friends can be a task and taking a few moments to relax can be fleeting. So why is it that gay men make dating so much harder than it needs to be? Gay men are — for the most part — a great group of people. Of course we have a few bad apples every group does but we are talented, hard-working people who share a sense of community and have banned together in times of strife and prejudice. Why then are we so terrible to each other when it comes to finding a mate?

    Time and time again I hear horror stories of bad first dates, ghosting and people telling flat out lies to first daters.

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    Why Do Gay Men Make Dating So Hard For Themselves?

    I have had many, many, many first dates in the past year and a half but very few second dates. Here are some of the reasons I have received for not being asked on a second date:. This is a personal favorite of mine. For the past year or dating, I have made the conscious effort to NOT state what it is I am looking for upon meeting someone in person or online.


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    • I am very happy to remain single. I have a wonderful career, great friends and an amazing family that keep me pretty busy. Should an awesome guy enter the equation — great. But a partner is neither going to define who I am or make or break my future. If someone reaches out to speak to me, I ask them what they are looking for because I am amenable. I am happy to have fun, meet new friends or go on dates in the hopes that it turns into a relationship. If not, then why go on a date in the first place? There are an endless amounts of ways for gay men to get their dick sucked in large metropolitan areas: This seems a pretty fair assessment to me.

      You may end up being pleasantly surprised by what you find. This excuse for not meeting again is the oldest and lamest of them all.

      We are all busy at work, and honestly, I would expect nothing less from the person I am dating. I love a man with drive. Again, I am calling bullshit on this excuse. We all have jobs and lives: If you are not in a position to date someone right now, you should not be going on dates.

      How body ideals shape the health of gay men

      Unless you plan to date a newborn baby, we all have baggage. We all have pasts and sometimes the things that have happened to us in the past can be very traumatic. I have found that most strong-willed people can take that baggage and turn it into a positive, therefore making themselves a better person in the process. We all have exes. We all have problems with our jobs or strive for something better.

      Like I said, we are all in different places and some of our baggage is heavier than others. But asking questions and being honest usually does the trick.